Monday, July 18, 2011

You say you like me because I'm little and tiny.
I fit perfectly in your side when we sleep.
I feel weightless laying on your chest.
My sarcastic punches feel like mosquito bites.
You like the way my tiny fingers lace between yours.
You like being able to pick me up and kiss me.
To throw me over your shoulder to take me where you want.
To toss me around when're rolling in your sheets.
You tell me all these things, yet I'm still somehow not good enough for you.
You know how much I work to be still not good enough?
I skip meals, take pills, and throw up.
And everytime I do these things I feel stronger.
One day they'll all pay off, maybe one day I'll be enough.
But it's not just the weight, something else is holding you back.
Is it my looks? My lifestyle? My family? My age? My personality?
I can't fix it if you won't tell me.
Being with you I feel on top of the world.
When I'm not with you I hate you because I am constantly overanalyzing your words and actions.
When will I be enough?
Better yet, When will I have had enough?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

hello hello you beautiful people!
miss me? ha doubt it. but i missed you! it's been too long. please, tell me how everything is going!

so on my last blog, i just read a comment from somone who told me i am crazy and need to seek help and that i am self centered and need to think about starving children. if i hadn't just started drinking a glass of wine, i could talk about this more intellegently, but right now all i have to say is, "dont worry random person, i never stick to my goals" i always say i'm going to do something, and i never do it, or i do it for a week. so she doesnt need to worry about me starving myself for months, or throwing up after every meal. I AM WEAK. it sucks. its hard to say, but i have no will power, and no self control. so dont worry lady or man, i'll still be here, living, like a teapot, short and stout. she told me i made her cry. maybe she was so distraught because i said i weigh 109??? little does she know i am barely 5'1''. so 109 looks pretty huge for my frame! now, i agree with her, if i was 5'9 and 109, ya i got a problem, or cancer, which is still a problem. however, i'm a midget. thanks for caring cublet, who doesn't have blog to reply on, but i'm fine.

i'll post more later, company is here!
love love love you guys, leave me some posts, i want to be updated on your fantastic, beautiful lives :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

so i weighed myself yesterday and i weighed 109. i havent weighed that in so long! i was quite excited. however, i remember last year when i was 105 and i thought i was huge. so, must take that into consideration. and since i was 109 yesterday, i didnt weigh myself today. bc i know weight fluctuates so much and i dont want to get on it today and it says 112 and i want to die. so i will barely eat till sat. morning and weigh myself then. hopefully i'm still 109 or less :)

today all i've eaten is a slim fast. it helps when you sleep most of the day lol. i went and took a test at 8 o clock, then came home and slept through my second class. about to leave for my third though. its chemistry, i HATE chemistry. i just dont get it. its like, japanese, or finnish to me.

what do you all think of tanning? do you like having some color or is pale now in? just wondering everyone's thoughts! let me know!

i love college so much, but this beer is going to kill me and my weight loss. however, i love beer lol. so my strategy is dont eat, drink at night, get drunk faster. haa. hopefully i just dont get sick drunk from not eating lol. no one likes the sick girl.

i have to go get ready for class, everyone have a wonderful day and stay strong :)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

ahhh! i'm back :)i missed you guys, i really did! a lot a lot.but i've been really busy with school.
anyways, im going to update everyone on whats up, and i'm going to look at everyones blogs from the last 2 months to see what i missed, but right now i cant!
this boy is coming over and i dont want him to see my blog lol.

but i had to write because i'm having a hunger pang right now and if i dont take my mind off of it i'm going to eat.ughhhhh i'm shaking and can barely type. but i'm just thinking about halloween and how fat i'll look if i dont lose this weight.

my new diet kick is slimfast. i hate the slimfast brand, but the generic is so tasty! hahaha. it's working well actually, i just need to motivate myself to go to the gym more. i hate going to the gym, i loved running this summer, now i hate it :(

is anyone else really excited for new moon!? i'm so excited lol i feel like one of those weird nerd girls but i'm sorry i love it.

how is everyone doing? how is school and work and life and diets and relationships going? what is the highlight of your life right now? please tell me i would love to know!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

so this ex thing...has only gotten worse! we dated for almost 3 years. during that time, he cheated a lot, but would cry and act like he cared so much about me so i'd hang on. then he'd treat me like shit when he knew i'd stay. pretty much, he did the bare minimum so i'd hang on.
now that i'm not and dont give a crap, now he wants to talk on the phone, text me all the time, text me good morning and night, and he gets upset when i dont respond, which is NEVER. he even wrote me a letter and wanted to bring it to my house. i called him and told him hell no that i didnt want to see him. he said he'd leave it outside but i told him i didnt want the letter bc every time i'm doing find he plays with my emotions and that's exactly what this letter is! anyways, he's sending it in the mail. if you were me would you, a) read it b) burn it c) save it for later d) make your bff read it.....idk what to do!!!!

oh and i hate my weight. why is it that one day i weigh 110, then two days later i weight 114! given, in those two days i didnt starve myself like those other days. but still! i shouldnt gain that much! i leave for school on sunday and i'm freaking 113 right now! i was hoping i'd stay at 110 and then maybe get to 105 before i got there. WHY DO I YO-YO LIKE THIS! it drives me crazy. i'm only 19 and am having way to much trouble losing weight. its only going to get worse as i get older to! is it bc i'm starving myself?? no more binges, no more, "oh if i just eat one scoop of ice cream and tahts all i eat all day i'll be fine" i hate being fat. i hate that my roommate weighs more than me but looks skinnier bc she's a little taller. everyone tells her how she looks so tiny, i never hear that bc i'm a midget! ugh! i'm just a little annoyed hahahah. i'm going to the gym.

thanks everyone for the comments, i'll get back to them as soon as i can.
i love yall!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

i think i'm going to limit myself to five hundred cal's a day or less.
think thats feasible?

i slept most of the day to avoid food lol.
i wish i didnt have to work at a restaurant cause this whole not eating thing would work out sooo much better.

its about to start raining, i think i'm going to go running.
that bender ball is making my flub sore. good, it needs to be!

does anyone have an annoying ex? when i cared about him more than anything, he didn't give a shit. now that i dont want him back, dont even want to talk to him, now he cares and calls and texts all the time. anybody else feel the same? let me know how you deal with it. its so..frustrating!

hope everyone is doing well!!

Monday, August 10, 2009

sorry i havent posted! not having a computer all weekend kinda sucks. i really missed you guys!!!

weekend went good :) it was so nice visiting everyone. i can't wait to be back there for school! only 12 more days!
its back to dieting and exercising. i actually didn't eat that bad this weekend. but drinking hurt me lol. i drank lots of melon liquor mixed with orange juice. it looks like aligator piss but it tastes amazing! lots of calories though :( oh well it happens it was worth the fun!

oh sooooo i bought a bender ball....hahahahhaha. it works really good though i swear! i'm a sucker for infomercial products. i have the ped egg, and smooth away, and now the bender ball. don't get the ab coaster, the commercial makes it look amazing but i tried it at the gym and it doesnt work at all lol.

oh i also downloaded the shwayze workout for itunes and its flippin hard! its only 20 minutes and i thought it would be easy but nope!

i also got new clothes, and yes, i'm posting pictures. one reason is bc theyre cute so you should see them :) the second reason is bc i have a pooch in them and i need to stare at that so i have will power to lose it! cute outfit though right!? let me know!